Change is good?

My first attempt at writing after months of silence might be disappointing and fall short of inspiring anyone, least of all me.  But it's important.

I could talk about the past few months and all the twists and turns that happened before finally landing in my own home again.  But lately, my focus has been on a different kind of journey.  It’s been equally daunting and it hasn’t been as simple as driving down winding roads, without purpose or direction.  Turns out a map or general sense of the direction you’re heading in can be helpful, especially when you are headed in a direction you’ve not yet been before.  And trust me when I say I have never been here before.

For now, I’m foregoing the move details except to say that a big part of this move involved a lifestyle change and redefining what success looks like, which served as a catalyst for all the change that followed.  

I know what you’re thinking.  It’s some mid-life crisis, where she goes off to eat, pray, and love…not even close!

I believe that our entire life is a journey and there are so many moments that fill up the time between destinations.  It’s our choice how we decide to live those moments. 

As a kid, I think I let the best moments rise to the surface, choosing to let the less than stellar moments and experiences sink to the bottom.  That has not always been the case.  There were times when I was consumed with the past, wondering about alternate outcomes and endings.  And as time went by, I realized that looking back served little purpose and actually felt like a hindrance in trying to move forward.

So I moved forward, fully believing I’d left all the bad stuff behind.  And when I say I moved forward, I’m talking decades…not the past few months.  And when I say “bad stuff” I mean the same kind of dysfunctional shit we all have to overcome unless you’ve lived a charmed life and grew up within the proverbial white picket fence.  I know very few people who can claim that childhood.  But I’m not denying it could exist for some. 

I have lived ahead of the past, not realizing it was lurking in the present and impacting the person I was.  I never realized that every bit of who I am is made up of every bit of where I’ve been.  Sure, in principle, that’s pretty basic.  Experiences shape who we are and give us perspective.  But in my case, it went a little deeper. 

Without going off on a tangent about self-help and self-discovery, suffice it to say that my past has impacted my future in every area of my life for most of my time on earth, thus far.  At this point, my first observation (one I’ll make more than once) is that change is hard.  Especially when you set about to change the very nature of how your life has been shaped…things like unconscious behaviors and tendencies…I’ve come to compare it to the equivalent of learning to breathe under water like snorkeling.  It feels so weird and can put you in a panic.  It doesn’t feel right.  It feels off.  The idea of breathing in air, while submerged under water, shit…why would you even try? But that is precisely what I had to do in order to break a cycle that has dictated the way I have lived for my entire adult life. 

I have been writing this blog for a little over two years.  I’ve covered some tough issues and shared a lot of personal struggles.  I think this past year has been one of the toughest….re-setting my normal and choosing to change parts of me that were unhealthy, yet still felt vital for every day living (and importantly, breathing!). Change is fucking hard and so is breathing under water.  I’m learning to do both. 

What do I mean by unhealthy?  I need to be cautious in my approach and attempt at self-analysis in the presence of strangers and friends of varying degrees of closeness.  People who know me well are going to know that I’m just moving to a new level of learning.  They’ll know that learning is what I love the best, but resist the most (yeah, I’m always the one that in spite of my own stubbornness and need to believe I know what I need to know…time and time again, I am surprised by how very little I really do know).   I’ve learned to accept that my view on life is constantly shifting and changing.  I think life would be easier if we all kept an open frame of mind and were willing to adapt and adjust expectations when we actually have a little more information.  Because fuck, ignorance never changes if that’s the only reality you’re willing to accept…the one you started with.  I guess you could follow life with blinders on, avoid people and situations where you don’t understand something.  Okay, yeah, remaining ignorant is an option for some.  It could never be for me.  Every time I face something I don’t understand, I ask questions.  I want to know and learn.  I want to grow.  Growth is synonymous with change, and I’ve already said it’s fucking hard…but growth?  Once you’ve moved a little further along and reached a moment where you can feel the growth?  It makes the rest worthwhile.  Growth is something you sit with at the end of the day…hell, probably even more so at the end of your life, and can feel the solid strength within your spirit…you’re centered and standing firm in life, still ready to accept new learnings, but with a rock solid base that represents years of fine tuning and growth…I imagine it to be like the way you feel on those days when you wake up and conquer something big.  Maybe it’s a meeting, something you did for your kids, or something as simple as speaking your mind instead of remaining silent when someone said something you knew was wrong and felt it was important enough to defend.   

Learning to grow more and in ways I didn’t know where to start…I finally realized that it boiled down to my own reflection and how I see myself each day. I am my own worse enemy as the saying goes.  No one is harder on me than me. The very biggest hurdle I face is something most of us fight every day of our life, which can also determine how aggressively we tackle life.  It’s fear. 

For me, fear has manifested in a lot of ways depending upon the situation.  The key here, though, is the response it has elicited in me when confronted with fear.  Being afraid makes us behave in ways we’d rather not.  It quickly turns us into irrational creatures that barely resemble the people we could be with a little more faith and confidence.  I think about the Titanic and the real fear people faced.  Theirs was a clear and present danger.  They didn’t want to drown or die.  I also don’t believe they wanted to cause harm to anyone else.  And yet they swamped the boats, giving little regard to the safety of those already inside, fueled by that primal survival instinct. I haven’t faced that dire kind of circumstance, but I can tell you that I’ve faced other fears that, through my flawed lens through which I filter life, left me feeling just as desperate to cling to a life raft, with an irrational belief that if I let go or even loosened my grip, I would find myself alone and abandoned.  Big observation…it doesn’t matter how hard you try or what you do to try to influence change in an outcome that has already been pre-determined.  In fact, I’d argue that undue effort and influence can actually change the outcome to reflect exactly what you don’t want to see happen.  I have found this to be true in all aspects of life, from careers and jobs, friends and family…end to end, every relationship that has touched my life.

There it is.  That ugly truth I’ve been beating around the bush about.  My truth and fear since childhood…fear of abandonment.  Why?  Because I remember being left behind as a child (no, I wasn’t an orphan and there’s no big story behind this other than the one that makes it clear my childhood didn’t have a white picket fence).  So in every relationship that came after those first few critical ones forged from childhood, I have carried that same fear.  I didn’t know it at the time.  But shit, I know I swamped a few boats in my youth.  I was so sure I was drowning…that the call for help would never come.  History and experience taught me to expect the worse and even when it didn’t come, I think I had some kind of self sabotage happening … like when I felt vulnerable or exposed, I instinctively wanted to pull closer.  I wanted to know with complete certainty that I was safe and would not be left behind.  I can’t think of a better way to destroy relationships than lacking the self-confidence to believe that you are worthy of having one in the first place.   I’ve never liked conflicts and have avoided them whenever possible.  I never learned how to resolve something without ending it.  That had to change as well.

I’ve stayed in places that were rotten and decaying (metaphorically speaking) because I was paralyzed with fear.  This is a broad assessment of relationships and situations.  From career paths to life choices to personal relationships.  Because change is fucking hard.  So hard I sacrificed all else to avoid growth…until now.

Would I have willingly taken myself down this road if I’d known how difficult it would be?  Honestly?  Shit no!  Would you?  So I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t see it coming because this has been one of the most important areas of growth for me and has helped to reset my life in a way I did not believe was possible.  I don’t know many people who are willing to breathe water and learn to choke panic.  I’m not a heroic individual and I know I have limitations.  I nearly reached them over this past year.

But once I was forced to breathe under water, I was able to open my eyes (after a long struggle and period of denial) and see myself for who I was and not who I thought I had become.  I didn’t like what I saw.  Sure, the essence of “who I am” remains and I like who I am.  It was the “how I was” that created issues.  I felt shame and embarrassment just admitting my fears.  I consider myself to be fairly put together and able to tackle most challenges.  I am asked for advice from others often and I think my guidance is sound.  Saying out loud that I have a deep seeded fear of being left behind doesn’t fit with that equity.  And after reading this, I might lose a few people on the list, who see me as a resource for counsel.  What few people realize is that some of the most fucked up people have the best advice!  Because we’ve lived it and while we might not choose to follow our own advice, it’s still sound and born out of life experience.  So maybe still ask…and consider it sage advice indeed!

 If you wake up one day, and realize you aren’t the person you want to be, you’re going to be disappointed and you’re going to want to fix it. I was afraid it was too late to change.  Because change is fucking hard (yes, I’m saying it again and again because it was and it still is).

So I started by taking a more conscious approach to living.  And it’s a way of life many would avoid.  I think about everything…that might not sound different from what I did before.  But the focus has changed.  I used to think too much about uncontrollable things…other people, circumstances, life.  Now I think about how I am responding to it all.  I ask myself every day what I want out of life and remind myself that I am no longer some scared kid waiting for the bottom to drop out.  In most instances, it won’t.  And if it does, it’s not a reinforcement of my inner fear or confirmation that my fear was valid.  It’s fucking life.  Shit happens and it isn’t always what we expected or wanted.  We pick ourselves back up and keep going.  Another observation is that the next logical correlation to the fear of being abandoned is the fear of being alone…thankfully, I conquered that a long time ago and am quite comfortable in my own skin.  I don’t have a complete answer, but I’m on the right track.    

So that fear I have of being abandoned?  Did I overcome it?  No, it’s still there and it pushes my buttons at times.  Shit doesn’t change overnight and maybe it will never leave entirely.  But the way I respond to it has.  For the first time in my life, I see myself for the very imperfect being that I am.  I see so many flaws and I just have to laugh sometimes.  I can’t tell you whether or not I’ll fix them all before this journey’s end (well yeah, I can…I won’t…not even come close, but I’ll still try).  I want to be a better person.  I want to feel good about that person staring back at me every morning.  And I think I’ve reached a comfort level now.  I’m still full of the past, but I have not let fear win out.  I don’t see weakness as a character flaw of mine.  Not because I don’t feel weak or scared sometimes…but because admitting it means I will get stronger.  Just like working out and losing weight.  I will get stronger and better.  And just like working out, it’s a personal competition that needn’t be measured against anyone else’s success.  And always…always…still a work in progress.      

M

Recovery

Okay...it's not what you think.  I've been locked out of my account for four months and have been unable to post anything!  Today, I successfully recovered access and control over my Blogger account.  I tried absolutely everything, including all the steps and blog guidance I found online.

So what finally worked?  I remembered my second to last password, which triggered my recall for the one after that LOL.  I have now updated email address from the Time Warner Cable account that was closed months ago and I am back in business!

More to come...

Beyond the Ice Age?

A little over two years ago, I started my Old School Journaling Blog.  It provided me with a creative outlet to share my thoughts and stories…life lessons I picked up along the way as we all do.

I also used this blog to share my first book, a collection of letters, stories, and poetry that, once cobbled together, became a timeline of my early childhood and adulthood.

After having published my first book, Following the Path of the Dinosaurs; A Childhood Saved

I should have "looked inside" more.

From Extinction, I believed I’d slayed all my monsters and was on a path to being a more confident and healthy individual.  I’d clearly identified first, how I’d followed the steps of my parents and their behaviors (Following the Path of the Dinosaurs), figured out why I made the choices I had in the past (Lingering Footprints), and finally moved past all these dysfunctions and turned behaviors from my childhood into more positive and healthier choices in the future (Beyond the Ice Age).

I still like the three-part analogy and see it as completely relevant in moving forward.  But events and circumstances that have occurred since 2015 has led me to re-examine whether or not I am indeed, in that golden place of having survived and moved past the Ice Age so to speak and into a brighter and sunnier future.  My conclusion is that I have not and that I am still stuck somewhere between the “Lingering Footprints” of my childhood and family and just short of being free and among the living, “Beyond the Ice Age.”

If you haven’t read the book, some of this won’t make sense (if you’d like to read it, here’s a link to Amazon to purchase J  https://www.amazon.com/Following-Path-Dinosaurs-Childhood-Extinction/dp/1512243795/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1495281988&sr=8-1&keywords=mary+niehaus+ralles ).

Writing the story of my childhood had a much bigger impact than I first imagined.  It wasn’t until later, that I realized that purging my soul had set yet another catalyst into motion.  A catalyst that would force me to examine my life once again, reminding me that I was still on a journey and that my learning was incomplete…stymied and stalled. 

I have talked about ignorance before, willingly admitting that there are often areas I simply don’t know anything about and I’m still seeking to learn.  There are times in my life where I have welcomed the opportunity to learn and others, when it was too painful and difficult…and I resisted, preferring to hide my head in the sand rather than face any new truths that might challenge the grounding I thought I’d found.  Awakenings and enlightenment seldom come quietly.  You don’t go to bed one evening and awake with a new wisdom and strength you didn’t have the day before.  No, in my experience, enlightenment is a by-product of a very difficult path or journey.  And more often than not, the journey contains a high degree of uncertainty, with constantly changing variables.  Variables that require you to react and respond faster than you’re comfortable with, leaving you in active peril of choosing too quickly or relying upon incomplete facts or assumptions that could result in…that could result in…hell, who am I kidding?  We are all in that same environment.  It’s called “life” and it’s completely unpredictable.   If we’re lucky, our internal compass is well developed and we’ve had a solid foundation in growing up and learning how to make healthy choices.  We’ve learned by observation in the first family we came into life with.  We know what is right and wrong based upon how that family unit operated.  We know how to feel about ourselves, and others because we were taught from an early age what appropriate behaviors and boundaries were.

But here’s the thing…there will always be variations to our reality and norm.  Because every family unit grew up in a different reality, operating with a different set of rules.  And that’s not all bad.  It brings diversity and growth into future families and relationships.  It helps us to give and get empathy and understanding.  And it enables growth for future relationships.

But what happens to those of us who may not have been quite so “lucky” in experiencing a charmed life in childhood?  What about those of us, who grew up thinking our reality was safe and normal, only to learn later that everything we grew up believing to be true…was not necessarily healthy?   What happens when we wake up and realize that we were conditioned to operate in a reality and norm that was built on a foundation of dysfunction…a set of rules that perhaps helps us reach survivor status as adults, but prevents us from re-establishing rules that fit for us now in a healthier environment, where we have a chance to not just merely exist and survive, but to thrive with brilliance. 

I want to thrive with brilliance.  I want to leave fear behind and find excitement when I look at unlimited possibilities…instead of feeling paralyzed in fear of making the wrong choices.  I may still want to hide.  I know I will still be afraid.  But I won’t be so afraid that I stay standing still at this single point in time.  My life is evolving rapidly, with significant changes happening in virtually every corner of my life.  I am leaning heavily on the wonderful truth that we all suffer from; the affliction of being human.  I know there is no perfection to be had.  Even still, I have to believe we all have the opportunity to thrive brilliantly if we keep putting one foot in front of the other…even at times when we don’t know where we will ultimately end up.

I think I’ve just written the introduction to a sequel.  As with everything else I’ve shared, I invite you to join me on this journey as well.  I’m taking that first step and I can assure you, I have no idea where it will lead me.  I have a few guides on this path, including a few new books I’ve read.  I’ll share as I go.  And this time, I hope to move a little further beyond the “Ice Age.”

Ted Talks and the Real Stories in Life

I’ve been working on my 100 day plan, which, so far, has included attending two of the recent Ted Cinema Experiences, where I was able to watch some of the 2017 Ted Talks live from my local theater. 

This year’s theme was about the future, spanning topics from data security to artificial intelligence to alternate energies and how we, as individuals, will need to help shape and envision how we get there. 

One of the things I’ve always loved about Ted Talks is that the topic is rarely the real story, and the true inspiration begins when we meet ordinary people, often facing seemingly insurmountable challenges, who go on to make extraordinary things happen. 

I have “met” some of my favorite thought leaders via video links on Facebook (Brené Brown and most recently Tim Ferriss).  There is always some irresistible hook that draws me in and makes me hungry for more knowledge, more insights, more connection and a deeper level of understanding.  The kind of stimulation and perspective that commands my attention and jumps ahead and past all the other social media competing for my stream of consciousness. 

And in having engaged in an almost daily practice of seeking out Ted Talks online to re-charge my battery and re-engage, I’ve also made a few observations for advertisers and content creators:

·      It’s very difficult to compete with real people.

·      It’s impossible to win against authenticity (so keep it real).

·      The best content is a two-way conversation that invites dialogue.

·      Sharing a story online means letting go of the belief that you are the only one holding the pen and you may not get to write the ending.

·      Some of the best stories have surprise endings and catch us off guard long enough to open our minds and consider more…as an advertiser or content creator, this is a privilege we share and an opportunity to do more (so do more!).

Jumping back into the real world, I am reminded that those same thought leaders whose ideas have risen up and bubbled over…began just as simply as you and I and others from every walk of life.

And my current gait and pace in walking through life right now has reached an optimal speed that has enabled me to meet other thought leaders, who may never reach a Ted stage.

The first I met last week, while waiting on a friend for lunch.  He looked to be in his mid-twenties and seemed quite happy with life.  It’s funny how willing people are to make a connection and share when you are living outside your own bubble and with an openness to simply caring about someone else’s existence.    

In the time it took for my friend to arrive, I learned that this young man was quite happy with his job waiting tables.  He had previously worked at another food chain and had been trying for months to get a job at this establishment…a “mom and pop” type restaurant that had been around for about 70 years.  He talked happily about how every time he’d come in, he knew all the people behind the counter and how he persisted in asking a friend to make introductions and help him get a job there.  He said that after having finally landed the job, he loved the work and people and that his workday always flew by.  He seemed to be personally vested in the history of the place and proud to be a part of it.  He went on to say that he got really lucky and that this was the best job he’d ever had. 

All that in ten minutes! Imagine what we might learn if we listened more … during our every day encounters, in our workplace, and with our employees.  Employee loyalty is golden and intrinsically tied to productivity and general job satisfaction.  That would be my observation from a strategic business perspective.  But I’m operating on a deeper level these days…and my observations had more to do with enjoying a finite point in time where I have the luxury of expanding out beyond my own circumstances for a better understanding of others.  And importantly, a better appreciation for the moments I’m living in and a chance to be even more thankful for the journey I’m on…and hoping to be half as lucky as this person I’d just met, in landing a job that brings personal satisfaction and happiness.

My second encounter was with a young girl, who I met while waiting for an appointment.  She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by several plastic containers of beads and jewelry making paraphernalia.  I couldn’t resist asking her about her crafts and she started talking happily about how she was making items to sell at a church fashion show later that day.  She showed me several of the pieces she’d finished, each one carefully placed in a zip lock baggie and priced with a post it note.  I was so impressed with how confident and outgoing she was and immediately thought of Sheryl Sandberg and Lean In…seeing this young girl as one of our future female leaders and entrepreneurs.  Her youthful determination and creative spirit was like a breath of fresh air.   

She also had a super cute pair of dangly earrings I had to have and I gave her a few suggestions for how she might market her creations online.  But again, as with the waiter earlier in the week, I again found myself getting way more than I gave in this encounter as well.

I think every time we meet someone, we have an opportunity to learn.  I think that we all have life topics that are only part of our story…and even without a microphone or stage, we can inspire each other every day…if we take the time to listen.

@maryralles

http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/