I Miss My Truck...Built Tough

I was trying to keep up with the pack, looking for signs of success.  I was in the middle of a marriage, raising kids, and navigating a career.  One of those signs included trading up my ride for the ultimate in luxury.

At one time, I thought a BMW would be the nod I needed to ring the bell of a successful life and career.  But when it came right down to it, as I walked into my local Ford dealership, it was love at first sight…a 2013 Ford F150, Platinum edition.  It was parked on the showroom floor, with oversized rims, black leather interior, and a really cool handle for the tail gate for easy access into the bed of the truck (future transport of newly discovered antique treasures, auctions, and yard sales).

The tail gate, trimmed in aluminum and red, reminded me of my Pop’s (grandfather’s) pick-up that I used to ride in the back of as a child, bumping over hills and pastures of the farm, together with my brothers and cousins, clinging for dear life and feeling like it was the greatest thrill ride of all time.

When I got my license, I was entrusted with his red Scottsdale every so often, driving it to school a few miles down the road.  Now, before you go correcting me on vehicle makes/models, I know a Scottsdale was a Chevy model.  I only mention in reference to the similarity to the retro tailgate, and why I was drawn to this truck.

For about two years, my short commute downtown became another thrill ride (full disclosure, this was the third pick-up truck and second F150 I’d owned in my adult life).  From the heated and cooled leather seats to the sunroof (I know, right?), I was living large!  A spray in bed liner made it slightly acceptable to use for transport, but I gotta be honest…every time someone asked me to help move or haul something, I cringed inside and usually found a way out (sorry to any friends and family reading and know what I’m talking about...and sorry to friends, who have trucks and I am now the offender!). 

I would drive for hours with no destination in mind, took two family vacations in the comfort of my F150, and so many other great memories.  My favorite song, “Red Dirt Road” by Brooks and Dunn, quickly became my theme song every time I rolled out of the driveway on a sunny day.

As that “red dirt road” continued, I found myself at a crossroads, changing my GPS and direction…going from a wife and mother to a single mom in a matter of months.

(for more on that, go to http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-civilized-21st-century-life-after.html )

The very first thing I noticed was that where I had actually arrived in life, was with a mound of debt, and two hefty car payments.  It was a really good reminder and reset for me personally.  That race I’d been running to keep up with everyone else?  Well, turns out I was on the wrong track.

My need to compete was transformed into a need to survive and provide (something I’d known well in my 20’s, scraping by to finish my college degree).  But I’d forgotten all my early life lessons, opting instead for 18 months same as cash for everything!  And my rationale for it all?  I was already so far in debt, one more payment wouldn’t make a difference…might as well live a little.

My new normal left me exceeding all those no interest deadlines, with negative equity in my house, and a general sense of uneasiness, no longer treading water…I was sinking fast.

My budget spreadsheet became a joke, and I began taking concrete steps (for more on this, see http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/2015/12/my-own-legacytimeless-and-fresh.html) to turn it all around.  This is not a hard luck story by any means.  My reset left me still living in my own home, caring for my kids, with a great job and reliable transportation.  I know I dodged a bullet so to speak, after having seen family and friends lose their homes when the housing market crashed around 2008.  And coming up on the anniversary of my first full year on my own, it’s been tough…but it gets better every day. 

And my path to getting better every day involved taking inventory of all my status symbols taking up space in my closet, home, and garage.  I knew my F150 was the biggest target…a luxury with a hefty monthly payment, and not the best gas mileage.  It was the first to go.  I went back to the Ford dealership where I’d literally driven my truck off the showroom floor, and drove away in a new, economical and comfortable, Ford Fusion, 4-door sedan (with a sun roof). 

Ford faced challenges as well, along with the rest of the car industry around the same time as the housing crisis.  Aside from being the most comfortable ride of any truck I’ve ever driven, I chose Ford because like me, they didn’t take the easy way out…they were the only car manufacturer, who didn’t take a bail out from the government.  When your name and reputation is all you have, that means a lot.  Staying true to your roots, not quitting when the going gets tough…yeah, like Ford, most of us are “built tough.”  And yes, I miss my truck, but I love my life.

If you want to read more about my journey, check out my blog at www.oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com .  It’s been my saving grace, helping me to return to a life more focused and with more purpose, recognizing what is really important.

Christmas Morning for Moms!

Today’s my day!  And to all the other moms out there, Happy 

Mother’s Day! 

I’m geeked and giddy because this is like the best day of the year for me. I am a proud mom of three sons, spanning in age from 11 – 26 (yes, I’ve been mothering for decades…some might argue even longer than that J).

What I love about Mother’s Day:

1.              No one is ever truly ready to become a parent, but on Mother’s Day, we all get to enjoy the title and wear it with pride.

2.              It’s the single day of the year I am guilt free, lounging around the house, with my boys more than willing to pamper me with the little things that mean the most to me (as I sit here writing, my youngest has just brought me a big cup of ice, a can of Diet Coke, and a straw).

3.              If you play your cards right, it’s the one day of the year you don’t need to guilt your kids into doing anything…and you get one of those fabulous “aha” moments when you realize you are doing something right.  I see these “aha” moments more and more, and not just on Mother’s Day.  I’ve come to love and cherish being a mom of three sons (and accept that the toilet seat will not always be where I need it in the middle of the night). 

4.              It’s the equivalent of Christmas morning for kids; moms spend most days just doing what they do…having a day that is actually dedicated to us for being exactly who we want to be…hey, let’s all forgive this Hallmark holiday.  I love it!

5.              It’s not just about my children…I enjoy the love of my nieces and nephews, reaching out and telling me “Happy Mother’s Day.”  My nieces fully “represent” the daughters I never had (Heather…for you, my girl).

For Alex, Pete, and Christian.  You make your mama proud every day!  And please put the seat down.  The porcelain is cold, and slippery when wet ...ewwww. J

And a very Happy Mother's Day to my mom!  Love you mama!

Reflections on Being Single

I am all about full disclosure and so I will say again, what I have said before, in my first book, in my life…to anyone who will listen. I suffer from the painful affliction of being human.  Imperfect, sometimes a hot mess, sometimes a train wreck…and every once in a while, a great big side of awesome!

I find life lessons to be the best way to learn and since we are all in this together, I like to share what I learn (or sometimes fail to notice and learn later).  Tonight, on what used to be considered the biggest night of the week according to the Bay City Rollers (S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!), I am writing my blog and thinking about my life, reflecting on changes over time and what it feels like to be single now as opposed to a much younger self.

You might think that writing about being single is synonymous with dating.  It’s not and this is no way intended to be advice.  I’m not dating, nor would I consider myself an expert or role model to follow in any aspect of dating…my first instinct was to avoid, avoid, avoid…well, with little exception, that’s been my first instinct for the first year living single after living as a married couple for double digits.  And I’m only half joking…because I am a glass half full kind of gal, and I tend to lean towards Mary Poppins (when I’m not stuck on the tracks with another train coming).   But hey, it’s only the first year.  I’m still digging out of marital debt, and learning how to be a woman again.  No small feat sporting two rowdy teens and a grown son, who would all but bar the door for anyone he didn’t think met muster for me, his mom.

This isn’t the level of sharing I imagined in my blog, but we’ve moved from 2015 to 2016 since I first talked about my "Civilized, 21^st Century Divorce" http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-civilized-21st-century-life-after.html …and I did promise a “to be continued…” and I have.  I’ve just not been moving along as quickly as expected, and life has smacked me down a time or two, and well…to be honest, aside from extracting a spouse from the mix, I’m living pretty much the same way I did before…except…well except for everything.  It’s an odd thing to try to explain.  I feel completely different and yet completely the same.  Pre-divorce, I had the same aspirations and dreams as I have now.  And if I didn’t look closely, I could leave it at that.  But those aspirations and dreams were different through the lens of my previous life.  Why?  I’ve spent the past several months trying to pinpoint what feels so different.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a new level of anxiety…a little fear of the unknown.  But not for the reasons you might think.  Because regardless of my marital status, I have always been able to take care of myself and land on my feet in any situation.

No, this level of anxiety has more to do with a parting of the clouds and a clear blue sky I’m seeing overhead.  I’m overwhelmed by the unlimited opportunities and choices I now have in re-determining how I go after my dreams and goals. 

It’s like rainy days.  When we are greeted with a sunless sky, covered in grey, we feel like taking a nap, have a slight chill of agitation…or just a general feeling that we are off center. 

And while I don’t want to leave the impression that everything about my marriage was wrong, over time, more and more became less right…and the clear runway we started with, launching into a beautiful blue, cloudless sunny sky, slowly began picking up more and more clouds on the radar and visibility was dense, as if a permanent fog was in the air, preventing me from seeing far enough ahead to wish and dream any longer.

And instead of steering the plane together as co-pilots, I feel as though at some point I became the cruise director and travel planner, responsible for flying, landing, charting, and mapping out the rest of our lives.  I logged more flight hours as he became more and more like a passenger, waiting for the “seat-belt” light to go back off, to explore safely without turbulence or headwinds.

Now back on my own, the sky may cloud over on bad days, but more and more I see sunny skies peeking through.  The future is what I decide and make of it.  And the best part of it all?  I’ve lived this reflection of being single more than once in my lifetime.  And like I said before, I suffer from the same affliction we all share…the state of being human.  For me, being human is giving myself a little slack now and then, looking back and checking the distance traveled…instead of fretting about how much more ground I need to cover.

When I look back on my first reflection…as a twenty-something single mom, I remember a different level of fear and anxiety…for different reasons.  I was afraid of being alone.  I didn’t feel whole by myself.  I found myself in a constant struggle to forge a new life, while waiting for my life to feel complete.  And in looking at my reflection now, once again a single mom, there is way more than my age that stares back differently in my reflection in comparison to my younger self.

I try to learn and consider what changes in life and what is a constant…and how to avoid remaining stagnate and unchanging, without completely losing myself in the process.  I think I’m on the right path now.  Because the younger me was surrounded by friends, marking time until the right person came along.  The more seasoned version of me sees things completely in reverse.  Remember, I said I am not a dating expert.  So don’t take what I say as a formula for success.  But the way I see it now, in contrast to my former marriage, in my life today…there is more right than wrong.  I have learned that living your life the way it is in the here and now is way better than living it like you’re waiting for something better…you are the best person to keep company with.  You are the only person, who knows what makes you happy. 

I used to think that life required a little dash of romance to be interesting and exciting…to be worth living.  My former reflection has taught me this is a false truth.  Over time, I learned that everything in life can be interesting and exciting…provided you are living every moment and not wishing every second away for something else.  Live life big and wide open.  If happiness were a recipe we could all follow and get the same results every single time, that excitement and uncertainty would quickly become yet another routine household chore.  I have learned that every time you go in the kitchen and choose to get closer to the flame, the recipe never turns out the same.  It depends on what you put into it, how long you give it to simmer, and whether or not you want to add an extra placemat on your table in life. 

Said differently, I believe that you begin with a full plate…all things that make you uniquely you and the people and places that make up your life.  And even at its fullest, the time to introduce that extra seasoning or spice largely depends on your appetite for living.  Are you ready to go back for second helpings?  Do you need to moves things around on your plate to make room for more?  Do you want to make room at all?  All great and valid questions…and all questions we all answer individually.

But my biggest learning of all is that regardless of where you find yourself seated at the table of life, you needn’t add a plus 1 to feel complete.  And when you are ready to add some company, chew slowly between meals, let your food settle, and clean your plate before you start cooking anything else.

M

Resting in the Eye of the Storm

HBR’s Top Ten Traits for Innovative Leadership, X-Box Live, and a Different Take on Virtual Learning

In an earlier blog (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/social-media-trollsas-explained-under-13-crowd-mary-ralles?trk=mp-author-card), I talked about social media and insights from a couple of ten-year-olds, using Minecraft as a great example of how to navigate successfully around and through trolls and other obstacles in social media to achieve a common goal. 

Ever mindful that innovative spirits and creative thinkers are starting earlier and earlier, I bring an update on the now 11-year-old, and how he (and other youth around the world) are already leveraging and displaying some of the top ten leadership traits for innovation, as shared by Harvard Business Reviewhttps://hbr.org/2014/12/research-10-traits-of-innovative-leaders. (December 2014)

My observations started out as they usually do…me dipping in on conversations, trying to be an observant and conscientious parent when it comes to my children’s internet usage (but still outwardly show trust as they grow into young adults). This is especially challenging when there are things like Xbox Live and super high tech headsets, with evolving technology offering awesome and open access to a bigger world than any of us grew up in. That’s both good and bad, and just as there are playground bullies we warn our children about, we need to be just as cautious and instructive about the dangers and hazards they face online.

Unlike a lot of other people, I actually believe there is a lot to be gained and learned by kids in using the internet, with virtual communities, globally diverse friends from other countries, and working around challenging time zones. Because while they think it’s all fun and games, I think something far more powerful is going on. They are developing key business skills necessary to become successful leaders. Leaders, who will have already internalized fundamental building blocks of leadership early on, thus setting them up for greater success in life.

My deeper insights into this happened the other day, when I was listening to my son lead a team on his headset, playing Call of Duty, with a globally diverse team (Australia, US, and Asia, just to name a few).

As I listened to the conversation, it was immediately clear that my son was the “host” or leader of the team, tasked to take them through a tough terrain, with the aim of moving past the “Easter Egg” (no clue what that means, but for the purpose of this article, we’ll just call that the desired results/outcome for the team). 

I found remarkable similarities between what he demonstrated specific to innovative leadership qualities, and what it takes to run a successful team…even in a virtual environment, with a globally diverse team. The logistics of time zones seem non-existent and they seemed to have conquered what we all struggle with in juggling calls to accommodate all team members. In this particular case, I will admit that I have had to pull the wireless router at bedtime, so that he isn’t on a call with Australia in the middle of the night! But they follow the sun and somehow make it work, as each are getting up for school, getting ready for bed, or just getting off the bus. 

I often hear parents and older generations complain about how easy this generation of kids has it and how they rely too much on technology and indoor play…useless video games. I respectfully disagree. As with all things, I believe there is a balance. And they need to be kids and play outside and ride bikes. But I consider “the times we live in today” to be an incredible opportunity for our children to build out skillsets like how to work in a virtual environment, inspire team members, leverage technology to do more, and collaborate globally with a super-sized “neighborhood” of diversity of culture and thought. 

Very few would disagree that we are living in an environment of technology, exponentially growing every day, and that the competition to stay ahead or even current is fierce.

Consider this comparison of a few of the HBR Top Ten Traits cited and a global match and conversation I listened in on, with a young, but energetic team, seeking to collaborate and complete a mission on Call of Duty:

HBR: Create a climate of reciprocal trust.

“Dude, I’ve got you. I’ve got you…Don’t worry.”

“I am coming now. I will be there in a minute and I will help you.”

HBR: Put their faith in a culture that magnifies upward communication.

“Dude, that is sic. We have to have a dance party. I’m taking a screen shot of this.

I never thought we were going to beat it. Guys, we did it!”

HBR: Are persuasive. 

“We started that match off really well. We just have to keep it up a little longer.”

HBR: Are candid in their communication. 

“I’m sorry. I was trying to help.”

HBR: Inspire and motivate through action. 

“Dude, thanks for even getting us this far together. Thank you so much for helping us” (thanks team at least 3x after achieving goal as a team and moving ahead to the next challenge).

These are the armchair warriors, who will become captains of industry. They are taking a “learn as you go” approach, developing seamless efficiency in the use of wireless headsets and other connectivity to bring people together in new and different ways. These early lessons will keep them all ahead of the game…learning while no one is watching. Kind of like when they eat their vegetables, without realizing they are actually good for them.

 www.oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com

#X-Box Live

#Microsoft

#HBR

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/hbrs-top-ten-traits-innovative-leadership-x-box-live-different-mary?trk=hp-feed-article-title-publish

Clouds, Watchers, and a Child’s Perspective

Rise up and find your own sunrise moment

I still believe courage is perspective…it’s where you are in life, what you’ve experienced and how long you have lived.  And I imagine the mind of an 11-year-old struggling to find his place would sound a little bit like this:

Today I woke up to a rainy day.  It was just like the day before and the day before that.  Though I could see no puddles on the ground, I know it was raining just the same.  The clouds were dark and angry…grey and foreboding.  And I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun.

And it isn’t even an interesting calm leading up to a perfect storm.  It’s just raining and dark…with no end in sight. 

My family and friends tell me the sky is blue…that the sun is shining…and that I should feel the warmth on my skin.  I should be riding my bike and embracing life…hanging out with friends.

But all I see are clouds.  Impossible to get past, hanging in the air everywhere.  I fall and give in to a downward spiral.  Even as I cling to the hope and love of my family, it’s not enough.  It is never enough for me to escape from this constantly dismal landscape.  It changed and moved so swiftly, I had no choice but to keep following along, and try to be okay.  And so today, I finally fell down and gave in to the dark clouds, increasingly aware of being separated from what I had come to believe was my normal life.  Now I am exposed, freed from the mask I’ve worn for months, trying to hold on and make everyone happy…knowing deep down it would be an epic fail from the start.

And now I can begin again…but I need your help.  Stepping out of line mid-point, I’ve lost my way.  I worry about what my friends and other people will think.  I’m not sorry I found the courage to ask for help…will you have the courage to meet my gaze, help me move forward, and get back on track?  Because what I have is not really something you can see.  It’s not even something you can experience and feel as I feel.  Because we all have clouds blocking our view…and we all see the same thing completely differently.

For me, help meant having a watcher…someone who wasn’t too close to me or cared too much…a stranger…a watcher to let me “be” and sleep and dream…to wake and get back up. 

But watching wasn’t enough…because they can’t see me on the inside, and I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling to the outside world.  I only knew it was more than I could take and I couldn’t breathe.  I’m not sure how I feel about having “problems.”  I’m not sure how you will feel about me as a person and kid if you find out. 

After my watchers were finished checking on me, I learned that having the courage to get help can sometimes leave you completely powerless, and at the mercy of adults and medical professionals…and that even if I say the clouds are gone, no one will listen and believe me…and now I need to make a list.  I need to write down how I can keep from needing courage to ask for help again…I need a safety plan to feel safe at home again.  I have to talk to people and convince them I have an umbrella within reach if the storm clouds return.

I still have a ways to go…I know I am a constant worry to everyone who loves me.  But I’m trying my best.

This is the conversation I wish that every parent could have with their child before that child reaches the ledge of despair and gives way to full-blown crisis mode.  These are my thoughts and impressions the past several months of clouds around my son have left me with.  You come to realize what is important, and suddenly, the commitments you think are unbreakable, the meetings that are critical…well, they are the ones with counselors, social workers, anyone that is carrying an umbrella that might shield your child from his storm.

The others, the ones that pay the bills and keep a roof over your head…come into a new perspective when you consider even a single moment you might have to live without your child living in it.

Today the sun is shining…at least as far as I can tell.  A little overcast maybe, but the sun is peaking through and casting shadows on the ground.

For every child that has awakened to a day immersed in clouds…may there always be countless watchers and caring human beings to offer umbrellas along the way.  My hope is that we can all consider each other’s perspective a little more.  And specifically, make eye contact, and meet the courage of countless children with acceptance and understanding. 

I am most grateful for the morning sunrise, reminding me that what truly matters is still intact, there is still hope for a better tomorrow, and my child will continue to grow and move beyond this passage of time when all he could see were clouds because of the kindness of others…not in spite of the indifference of others.  I still believe courage is perspective and that kids really do know it all…and we must help them when they lose their way and their current perspective is not enough.  This is my sunrise moment.  What will yours be?

  

Courage is Perspective...:

http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/2014/10/courage-is-perspective-and-kids-really.html