Taking Root

I’m not sure there’s room for one more opinion. Like a lot of people, I’m watching things unfold and I struggle to strike the right balance, where I can observe and be aware without becoming consumed and anxious.

I’ve shared pictures of spring, my garden, plants I’m growing…a few funny songs and memes. Pretty much any snapshot moments where I’ve been able to think and feel with a sense of peace and presence, and importantly, a deep appreciation for the life I have right now. And what I've noticed is that it’s exactly the same thing I was doing before any of this began.

Online, I see posts with words of encouragement as well as more extreme, fear mongering images and rumors. Aside from the entertainment value of seeing others go off on a rant over someone being too concerned, not concerned enough, or somewhere in between, it’s not particularly helpful to me. And what I’m saying now is likely equally irrelevant. If it’s helpful, great. If not, feel free to rant. It might be the only decisive action you feel empowered to take control over in your life right now. And I get it…it’s scary to feel powerless.

I’ve been busy sifting through this new landscape and trying to make decisions based upon the information I have available to me at this moment in time. As a parent, we do that all the time. From deciding when a teenager can take the car to letting them stay out late so that they can experience an iconic pop culture event like a midnight showing of Rocky Horror.

As a mom, in many ways I’ve taken an approach that lets my kids learn as they go. Sometimes I can see mistakes before they happen. Sometimes they surprise me and pull something epic off (against all odds). The environment was one where the consequences were not as far reaching as what’s happening now. In this new reality, I can’t leave them to their own devices and let life teach them a lesson. The consequences are too great, impacting more than just my kids…more than just me.

When I started to feel overwhelmed and panicked about the future, I started planting seeds for my garden. And over the past several days as my seeds have sprouted and taken root, I realized that I’ve always lived in an environment that had uncertainties. Haven’t we all? Even the best-laid plans are met with life events we cannot anticipate or plan for. What has made all the difference for me is being able to let positive things take root in my own life. Things as simple as watching the sunset or making sure I step outside to watch it come up in the morning. It’s been a little like scheduling my life around the life I want to live.

I think it’s just as important that we not let the negative aspects take root. If we let fear take hold, it will take up permanent residence in our lives and prevent us from moving forward in any direction.
There is still a life to live right now. My future is as uncertain as it was before any of this started. I’m not going to make the best of it…I’m going to make it the best and let it take root.

How Many True Loves Can We Expect to Find in This Lifetime?

Had a chance to put something out there on one of my favorite websites.  Check it out:

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019/11/how-many-true-loves-can-we-expect-to-find-in-this-lifetime-mary-niehaus-ralles/

Well seasoned and well traveled along the road of life,

A wise person stopped to ponder a question many often ask…

“How many chances do you suppose life has to offer…in matters of the heart?”

Having gone quite a distance, often getting off track, this person walked alone once more…

“How many true loves can a person expect to find?”

Further still, this person pauses again along the side of a road, near a wide river, with the sun beaming down and their reflection staring back from the water.

“How can I know who I am or what value I hold…if I have no one to tell me what I bring or what purpose I serve?  How can I be fulfilled without someone to make me whole?”

The water, deep and still, begins to move in gentle rippling waves in response to a light breeze.  The image of the person is temporarily fuzzy and as it comes back into focus, it is to find a new reflection staring back…and finally an inner voice begins quietly: 

“You hide your gift within.  You are your own truest and first love. There is no magic spell or secret…no other person can make you whole.  You needn’t do anything or be anyone to share the value you possess.  You are a unique and beautiful spirit, gifted with a kind and generous heart.  That you simply exist and breathe is exquisite. Value has less to do with what you can offer and everything to do with simply being who you are. That in itself is the hidden treasure. 

And chances? Have I still a few left to take?

“When the moment is right, you will find that there are exactly enough chances. You needn’t “do” anything at all to find happiness and fulfillment within yourself. Life is too good not to share. Find happiness in your own company first. The rest will follow and you will find it has less to do with right or wrong and more to do with a willingness to take a chance.”

The wise person wept, realizing ignorance once more…

The most beautiful state of being is that tender balance between complete love and acceptance of self and the ability to share that love with someone else…not to complete you, but to complement that which you already hold dear.  Only then, will you truly be able to embrace the love of another and accept them unconditionally as well…knowing that the treasure that you seek was with you all along.  And that any imperfections you find along the way, whether through your own reflection or that of others…well, consider them the finest of character traits …each owned and embraced to make you who you are today. Reinforcements to your core made it possible for you to break without shattering.  You remain intact and whole…and possess the wisdom needed to choose what you share and with whom in the future. 

Spoiler alert:  Some of the most extraordinary gifts come to us disguised in some of the most (seemingly) ordinary people.  Still waters run deep and you will never find a diamond in the rough if you expect everything to shine at first glance. And it’s the absence of polish that makes us real.  

A place to BE

I drift into my secret place

Just shy of sleep, yet not truly awake

Visions of things that may come to be

Lucid dreams and future synchronicity

Silent whispers nearly gone

Just before the morning dawn

Sunrise and sunset are both a welcome sight

A perfect balance for dark and light

I am energy

I feed my spirit with a gentle breeze

I walk barefoot in the garden dirt

There is a spot outside to sit and be

I feel the smallest movement stirring in a field

A single blade of grass…a tall weed…propelled by the wind into a subtle dance

I am lost inside the present state of being

A newly discovered birds nest

Mesmerized by the clouds above

Surrounded by an endless inventory of every day miraculous moments

I am not lost…I am at my most peaceful resting point

Listening intently for the quiet voice

My inner guide whispers how to breathe life into my garden…where to sit…how to feed off that which we all take for granted.

Suspended by tiny slivers of time that shut out absolutely everything else…

 I drift into a state that is powered by pure energy.

My body trembles with excitement as I come into an awareness of knowing.

A trace bit of fear remains as I realize there will never be an unknowing.

This transformation will only move forward with future awakenings …sometimes mourning what I cannot un-see.

Ultimately, I will accept the gift I have been given and continue on a journey that has no end.

M

Hooker Line Proves Profound; Pretty Woman Pretty Smart After All

Summer is finally here and the longer days are consuming more of my time outdoors and in the garden. I don’t want to waste a second when there is so much living to do…and for maybe the first time in my life, writing has taken a backseat to the actual insights of living being served up every day. I’ve used pictures instead for fear I might miss out on something if I took the time to write it down.

I’ve been on a bit of a bender lately (minus the booze…well okay, a little bourbon goes well with most things) and have learned that it really isn’t about what challenges you face in life. It has everything to do with what you consider a challenge. And finding my way had more to do with realizing I was already exactly where I needed to be and not in need of a roadmap as to which direction to take.

There is a little bit of Dorothy (by way of the Good Witch Glenda’s observation), a dash of Mary Poppins, and yes…even the character portrayed by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

I reached a resting point recently after waking up one day to find I had a completely different view of the world I’ve lived in for most of my adult life. I wish I could tell you what changed, but it was so subtle. I wasn’t holding my mouth right (old fishing saying for when the fish aren’t biting and one that a friend has coined often). It used to bug me to hear it. Never made sense. It was too simplistic in explaining how an activity or event did not net the expected results. And it pissed me off to boil it down to something that had no substance or tangible explanation I could sink my teeth into. Because really…I’ve been a gal that needs to find deep meaning and reason in every single thing. And stuff that doesn’t make sense has been quite the Achilles heel for me. To keep order in my life, I needed to be able to rationalize the “why” behind every aspect of my life. WTF was my past response. I now must concede that it is indeed that simple and complex all at once. Living life with this ecosystem proved exhausting for me. Another phrase I used to detest was “it is what it is.” I have also come to appreciate this as sound guidance for various points in my life where my sheer will to make something happen would have been so much better served to accept and keep going. And as I sit and write this now, I can see that I’m making up for lost time and likely going too long and too deep to keep anyone entertained and interested to the end.

I’ve been on a road trip for a while now. What most don’t realize, though, is my particular journey was unique in that it required me to take the journey standing still. Instead of searching outwardly through experiences and living, I became an observer of pretty much everything I encountered. I also had to have a willingness to put up a white board and erase all past foundational belief systems (including societal norms and expectations).

Having come full circle in deconstructing the life I once lived, I am at the crossroads where I must choose where I take it from here. It’s a little bit of “You’ve had the answer all along” from Glenda, and a twist of “It was here all along in my own backyard” from Dorothy. Throw Mary Poppins in the mix with an innate ability to spin anything negative into a positive and you can pretty much sum up who I am and where I’ve been.

Life didn’t change me nearly as much as I thought it had. In fact, I think life is the constant we all work with. We are the lens that reacts and reflects what we see (sometimes through filters we don’t even know exist). Life doesn’t discriminate. We are all equals in what we start with at the very beginning…that is to say we get this life, we are born, and we find our way.

I’ve learned that working with life and following a natural flow is far better than swimming against the current and denying whatever current reality I am in the middle of.

The final observation comes from admitting that there are people in my life, who simply don’t “get” me any longer. And that’s okay. It’s also proven far easier to simply let go than to try to rationalize my chosen path. That brings me to the final comparison, which is the hooker, who Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman. Richard Gere stops and asks her for directions and she tells him it will cost him. Indignant, he says she can’t charge him for directions. And in true form of someone who is comfortable in her own skin, she simply says, “I can do anything I want. I ain’t lost.” Kudos to Roberts for delivering that line and ‘nuff said for where I am in my own life. I might be in the middle of a journey, but I ain’t lost. And yes, I can do anything I want!

Well, I never...maybe you should!

"Well, I never!" 

Anyone else remember this? A simple indignant response to all things considered irreverent and falling outside the lines we were trained to color within. It showed disdain, shock, and was generally a good litmus test for knowing whether or not the words coming out of your mouth were acceptable in polite society...

But I don’t want talk about societal norms or what passes for respectability these days. I’ll leave politics to the politicians (all a farce anyways). I'd much rather spend my time contemplating why so many of us have held on tightly to these three simple words and avoided living a life a little less encumbered and with a more unbridled spirit. Tenacity is a trait to embrace, not retreat from.

And sadly, I think I have embodied a more risk averse nature for most of my adult life. I spent a lot of time “never” doing or acting on things that were too risky or not socially acceptable in certain circles. For example, I avoided the “f” bomb until I turned 50 (and have been making up for lost times ever since J). And now I find a few raised eyebrows in mixed company...my response is to get over it! I did.

I can’t tell you exactly what changed for me. It became less about what others thought and more about what I believed. I’ve gone through a transformation of sorts. It’s kind of personal and I’d hate to have it lumped into a mid-life crisis or some other trendy ethereal journey that throws me in a new circle of “enlightened” people. I’m not a joiner and don’t plan to start now.

But I have changed. It was so subtle and yet so profound. It’s changed the way I look at everything. I woke up one day and I could not “unsee” what had suddenly become transparent to me. 

I no longer include the word “never” in my vocabulary. It has no place in my world. I live in a world where anything is possible and everything is always on the table for consideration (as it should have been all along).

I’ve always been a seeker of wisdom and information…the difference now is that I seek information from a different perspective. I accept the possibility that nothing is as it has appeared to me in the past. And deconstructing is just as important as reconstructing. It determines the starting point and sets the tone for all that follows.

My journey is a sort of reverse bucket list. Instead of focusing on all the things I’d love to embrace and do, I’m taking inventory of another bucket list that has taken on a lot more water and filled up more quickly than the selective stainless version that is reserved for skydiving and giving a Ted talk before I die. This bucket is well worn and rusty. It’s been kicked, thrown, and discarded more than once. It’s the face of denial...the part of me that wants to hide my head in the sand rather than face a critical decision. It’s a utilitarian tool that no longer has a purpose in my life. It’s become obsolete and I’ve replaced it with a more authentic symbol…one that wears its contents as a badge of honor instead of shame.  Here’s why….

For every experience in life that begins with resistance to change or denial that a certain reality has come upon us…hell, for anything in life that we say we will “never” do…time has a way of mocking us and proving us wrong. Time and time again, I have been reminded that there are no boundaries that cannot be encroached upon in this life. Part of our learning is to know how to embrace all the things we swore we’d never face.

I’ve been on a journey over the past few years. It’s funny because this particular awakening has occurred at a time in my life when I finally stopped running at breakneck speed. I learned that standing still allowed parts of myself to catch up and consider who I am without fear of acknowledging who I will never be.  

I have a bucket list. It’s not the kind you talk about, but I have no shame in looking at it and sharing the contents. It’s filled with life lessons and irony. Its filled with a life of nevers, maybes, and some days…and most of all, it contains the secret to success (at least for me). That roadmap is as they say “paved with good intentions.” But progress only came when I abandoned my gps and went off the grid with my own intuition and gut instead of worrying about what was considered acceptable.

If I ever forget where I’ve been or worry too much about where I’m headed, I will sit with the knowledge that the only thing that matters is where I am right now…and a willingness to continue on in whatever direction I choose to take.

People ask me sometimes what success looks like to me…the longer I live, the answer becomes clearer and easier to answer. Success looks exactly like my life is right now. Because it’s not about all the things I haven’t done; it has everything to do with what I’m already doing. It’s a constant vibration of energy just below the surface that continues to propel me forward in the direction of happiness…and if it meets the definition of success as well, that’s just a bonus. Forget the bucket list. Kick it now!