You Again?

Backstory:  I chase her all the time, and
 can't shake my natural slant towards optimism and making
sugar cookies out of shit balls!

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow you snuck back in.  I told you we were through.  And I would not live in a world where you left me wide open. 

I distinctly remember closing off all entrances, and raising my defenses back up to a respectable level, leaving me impervious to future breaches or threats.

I know I set you aside in a permanent time out.  I consciously chose not to choose your path in the future, having been a frequent traveler with you in the past.

I’m pretty sure that when I finally decided to stop thinking and simply start living…well, I thought it was understood I would be doing so without your open game plan and personal engagement.

So when I stopped writing…and refused to go down any new wormholes of doubt, I thought it would have been obvious I’d chosen the proverbial door number two in the game show of life, so that the price would not only be right…but it would never be more than I had to lose.  Cue – “Tell her what she’s won Johnny!”  … you get the idea. 

And when I started having fun, without any pretense or apologies, well of course that was a sign I’d finally let you go and had chosen a different path forward.

I was sure I’d seen the last of you when I reclaimed my inner voice and laughed once more.  It should have been obvious, even to you, once I started watching the sun rise every morning…instead of dreading the start of another day.

And it would have been complete insanity for me to open up all the windows to my soul and not locked the front door. 

As for those fleeting moments…where I’d feel a twinge of anxiety or discomfort…I thought it was growing pains, with me letting go of dysfunctional traits I’d been carrying around since childhood.

My first misstep in this flawed state of logic was thinking I had a choice in any of this.  I should have recognized the tell tale signs of how you operate.  But you tricked me…probably because you knew I’d never come willingly.  You let me think I’d fortified my boundaries, preventing entrance from even a battering ram. 

You never let on that the massive wooden door I chose to keep you out was really only for decorative purposes and there was no real substance beyond my own mindset. 

Part of your charm is that you are immediately at ease, making your presence so effortless and comfortable that I hardly know you are there…until it’s too late.

I should have known those heavy, iron laden hinges from which my door has hung, were well oiled, making it easy to swing open and close silently, granting you entrance …completely undetected.

For me, self-awareness has always arrived in waves, after long bouts of blissful ignorance.  It’s like I move through life with curiosity, a love of learning, and yes, ignorance of the things that are happening around me…realizing the latter only after I’ve let curiosity lead me completely outside of my comfort zone.

Which is where I find myself today, conceding victory to the dark side, having lost once again to vulnerability. 

You win…for now (see Mary Poppins image for more perspective). 

P.S. Yes, I have already taken Brene Brown’s course on vulnerability…and I begrudgingly agree about 50% of the time with her methodology.  It’s that other 50% of the time I take issue with … entering the arena, instantly regretting it as the gates go up and the lions are released.  #survivor