Today I find myself thinking
about sibling rivalry and the very complex dynamics of families. There is a delicate
balance between parent and child. I’ve come to realize that there is an even
more fragile state among the “one to many” nature of those of us blessed with
two or more children.
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| My Three Sons! |
When I was a kid, I grew up
in a house with three boys and myself as the only girl. From a child’s
perspective, my observations of sibling rivalry were centered more around how we
were each treated. As parents, we say that we love them all the same and
equally. But that’s simply not possible. I don’t mean that we have favorites or
mistreat one over the others. Every single person in this world is unique. I
appreciate all the gifts they each offer. And at the end of the day, there are
distinctive and different personalities that come into play as far as getting
things done and maintaining harmony. And being “favored” is not always what
it’s cracked up to be. Especially when “favored” translates to the kids most
likely to be obedient and resist the less.
I think this is pervasive in our society and we may all be a little
guilty of favoring people over and over again, without recognizing the implications
of what we do and how we reward the chosen few.
I have come to realize very
recently that it is those unique differences that imprint on our family
dynamics early on. And something as subtle as asking one child to perform a
task instead of another becomes a bad habit that is fostered and continues
throughout their lifetime.
Just like careers, jobs and
roles are informally assigned and accepted based upon aptitude. Unfortunately,
those aptitudes present with a double edged sword and just because someone is a
nurturer or caretaker by nature does not mean that they should be handed the
mop and expected to “clean up in aisle 6” every time life gets messy.
Sometimes, handing the mop to
the one less likely to get up all the mess is exactly what is needed, so that
we all develop a broader skillset and tools for life.
Years ago, before my dad
passed, I was part of the sibling rivalry craziness. I’m still an outlier in
the dynamics with my mom. And at the time, I couldn’t see from the perspective
of my parents. I could only see what felt wrong to me.
I can think of countless
times where my dad or mom asked one of us to do something. And as a member of
the secret society of siblings, we had a code to live by. If mom or dad told us
not to tell anyone, we of course told everyone in the family. If we talked
about someone, it was always the one that was absent from the conversation. And
we’d only band together as a force for good when it was to defend our parents
against the designated black sheep of the family (which, by the way, was a
rotating role with a very long and well defined succession plan). The only requirement? You must continue to
accept the role you’re given and keep your place in line.
Having been the “favored” kid
as a caretaker and chief slop mopper, my perspective has been more focused on
what it felt like as a kid. But as time goes by, as my own kids get older, I have
a better appreciation for the delicate balance and tightrope my parents had to
walk. I have three sons, one of which is grown. But it was the dichotomy of being
one of many that has played out in reverse for me with them.
I’ve made a living from
responding well in a crisis. And flourished in environments that would cause
others to wilt and die. But it came at a cost. And instead of redefining my own
balance and strengths and weaknesses, I kept building and reinforcing the path
of least resistance. Because the other edge of the sword…of being favored or
needed…well, it became a habit. It has proven difficult to shake off the role I
was literally born to play.
So if I can see all of this
so clearly, why then do I continue to perpetuate this with a new generation?
Why saddle my own kids with similar dysfunction and responsibility that
contains a smidge of underlying guilt? On a good day, I’d tell you I don’t.
That I push back against those natural tenets and encourage them to seek what
pleases them (and not be a people pleaser).
And that’s true. But on days when I’m just being completely human and
selfish, I am guilty of the same sins my mother and father committed against me.
I will pick the one who is the most likely to respond with the least
resistance.
I had surgery a few weeks
ago. It’s all good and I’m on the mend, but having to rely upon anyone for help
has always been a struggle for me. I’ve grown a lot and can now accept help
when it is offered and feel gratitude for kindnesses extended. But at 14 and
16, my younger boys are busy growing up and being teenagers. Having to ask for
help from either of them has been painful. I’ve pulled out every tool in my toolbox
of dysfunctions to cajole, guilt or otherwise persuade them to do simple things
that made me feel better about being incapacitated. I’m a fairly simple person
and it doesn’t take much. So the tasks I was looking for help with were things
like planting strawberries, moving a few things around the house, and getting
the garbage out to the curb on Thursday night.
What I learned was that in my
natural tendency to rely upon my middle son, the sibling rivalry I experienced
with my own brothers reared its ugly head. And for the first time, I had a
better understanding of how my dad must have felt and now how my mom feels when
we pit ourselves against each other.
Sure, I still remember my childhood and some of the challenges I faced.
But in doing so, I have to accept accountability for my own shortcomings.
The answer is much simpler
when you flip the lens. For every time my mom or dad defended me or my brothers
against each other for what they did or didn’t do…for more or less of what was
their fair share, the biggest hurdle and easiest to overcome…for all of us…is
simply this:
We are all fallible and
imperfectly human. It is a normal and natural affliction. When we compare one
another to each other or insist that those we love treat us better or
differently, we are putting conditions upon that love.
The truth is if we simply
accepted each relationship and connection as unique…if we chose to do and say
and act based solely upon our genuine desire to help or share, we could see
past those imperfections and reach a higher level of understanding. And I’m not
saying that this gives carte blanche to others to mistreat or hurt us. But I
find the more time I spend considering my own thoughts and actions (and by
default the less I think about others’), life feels a lot simpler to me. And if
anyone believes they can win an argument with anyone against their own child
(even if you happen to be their child as well), you’ve failed before you enter
your opening statement.
The truth is that in families
as well as the broader landscape of life, there will always be competing
“siblings” of sorts. And to conditionally accept a person or situation is not
at our highest level of awareness. There is an unconditional level that is
still within the human condition and it’s possible to achieve. But like
grabbing the bucket and mop, it takes practice. It won’t always feel good and
it won’t always work out. But if our natural tendency was to rely on one
another for the greater good and higher order, I’m betting that clean up in
aisle 6 would become more of a group effort instead of people running away with
their carts at the sound of breaking glass.
Unconditional doesn’t mean
you can’t have expectations. It does mean that if you choose to include people
in your life, you have to be willing to accept what they are willing to give.
You sit with your own feelings, and CHOOSE every step with deliberation. When
you can reach the level where your actions line up with what is in your heart
to do …then you are golden. You will either continue to follow your true north
with this person or you will naturally follow the flow of life in another
direction. Either way, ego is out and love wins.
Mom and Dad…I’m sorry I was
so hard on you both. The second half is on me. You did your best and so will I.
