I am all about full disclosure and so I will say again, what
I have said before, in my first book, in my life…to anyone who will listen. I
suffer from the painful affliction of being human. Imperfect, sometimes a hot mess, sometimes a train
wreck…and every once in a while, a great big side of awesome!
I find life lessons to be the best way to learn and since we
are all in this together, I like to share what I learn (or sometimes fail to
notice and learn later). Tonight, on what
used to be considered the biggest night of the week according to the Bay City
Rollers (S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night!), I am writing my blog and thinking about my
life, reflecting on changes over time and what it feels like to be single now
as opposed to a much younger self.
You might think that writing about being single is
synonymous with dating. It’s not and this
is no way intended to be advice. I’m not
dating, nor would I consider myself an expert or role model to follow in any
aspect of dating…my first instinct was to avoid, avoid, avoid…well, with little
exception, that’s been my first instinct for the first year living single after
living as a married couple for double digits.
And I’m only half joking…because I am a glass half full kind of gal, and
I tend to lean towards Mary Poppins (when I’m not stuck on the tracks with
another train coming). But hey, it’s
only the first year. I’m still digging
out of marital debt, and learning how to be a woman again. No small feat sporting two rowdy teens and a grown
son, who would all but bar the door for anyone he didn’t think met muster for
me, his mom.
This isn’t the level of sharing I imagined in my blog, but
we’ve moved from 2015 to 2016 since I first talked about my "Civilized, 21st Century Divorce" http://oldschooljournaling.blogspot.com/2015/12/a-civilized-21st-century-life-after.html …and I did promise a “to be continued…” and I
have. I’ve just not been moving along as
quickly as expected, and life has smacked me down a time or two, and well…to be
honest, aside from extracting a spouse from the mix, I’m living pretty much the
same way I did before…except…well except for everything. It’s an odd thing to try to explain. I feel completely different and yet completely
the same. Pre-divorce, I had the same
aspirations and dreams as I have now. And
if I didn’t look closely, I could leave it at that. But those aspirations and dreams were
different through the lens of my previous life.
Why? I’ve spent the past several
months trying to pinpoint what feels so different. And I’ve come to the conclusion that there is
a new level of anxiety…a little fear of the unknown. But not for the reasons you might think. Because regardless of my marital status, I
have always been able to take care of myself and land on my feet in any
situation.
No, this level of anxiety has more to do with a parting of
the clouds and a clear blue sky I’m seeing overhead. I’m overwhelmed by the unlimited
opportunities and choices I now have in re-determining how I go after my dreams
and goals.
It’s like rainy days.
When we are greeted with a sunless sky, covered in grey, we feel like
taking a nap, have a slight chill of agitation…or just a general feeling that
we are off center.
And while I don’t want to leave the impression that
everything about my marriage was wrong, over time, more and more became less
right…and the clear runway we started with, launching into a beautiful blue,
cloudless sunny sky, slowly began picking up more and more clouds on the radar
and visibility was dense, as if a permanent fog was in the air, preventing me
from seeing far enough ahead to wish and dream any longer.
And instead of steering the plane together as co-pilots, I
feel as though at some point I became the cruise director and travel planner,
responsible for flying, landing, charting, and mapping out the rest of our
lives. I logged more flight hours as he became
more and more like a passenger, waiting for the “seat-belt” light to go back
off, to explore safely without turbulence or headwinds.
Now back on my own, the sky may cloud over on bad days, but
more and more I see sunny skies peeking through. The future is what I decide and make of
it. And the best part of it all? I’ve lived this reflection of being single
more than once in my lifetime. And like
I said before, I suffer from the same affliction we all share…the state of being
human. For me, being human is giving
myself a little slack now and then, looking back and checking the distance
traveled…instead of fretting about how much more ground I need to cover.
When I look back on my first reflection…as a
twenty-something single mom, I remember a different level of fear and
anxiety…for different reasons. I was
afraid of being alone. I didn’t feel
whole by myself. I found myself in a
constant struggle to forge a new life, while waiting for my life to feel
complete. And in looking at my
reflection now, once again a single mom, there is way more than my age that
stares back differently in my reflection in comparison to my younger self.
I try to learn and consider what changes in life and what is
a constant…and how to avoid remaining stagnate and unchanging, without
completely losing myself in the process.
I think I’m on the right path now.
Because the younger me was surrounded by friends, marking time until the
right person came along. The more
seasoned version of me sees things completely in reverse. Remember, I said I am not a dating expert. So don’t take what I say as a formula for
success. But the way I see it now, in
contrast to my former marriage, in my life today…there is more right than
wrong. I have learned that living your
life the way it is in the here and now is way better than living it like you’re
waiting for something better…you are the best person to keep company with. You are the only person, who knows what makes
you happy.
I used to think that life required a little dash of romance
to be interesting and exciting…to be worth living. My former reflection has taught me this is a
false truth. Over time, I learned that
everything in life can be interesting and exciting…provided you are living
every moment and not wishing every second away for something else. Live life big and wide open. If happiness were a recipe we could all
follow and get the same results every single time, that excitement and
uncertainty would quickly become yet another routine household chore. I have learned that every time you go in the
kitchen and choose to get closer to the flame, the recipe never turns out the
same. It depends on what you put into
it, how long you give it to simmer, and whether or not you want to add an extra
placemat on your table in life.
Said differently, I believe that you begin with a full
plate…all things that make you uniquely you and the people and places that make
up your life. And even at its fullest,
the time to introduce that extra seasoning or spice largely depends on your
appetite for living. Are you ready to go
back for second helpings? Do you need to
moves things around on your plate to make room for more? Do you want to make room at all? All great and valid questions…and all
questions we all answer individually.
But my biggest learning of all is that regardless of where
you find yourself seated at the table of life, you needn’t add a plus 1 to feel
complete. And when you are ready to add
some company, chew slowly between meals, let your food settle, and clean your
plate before you start cooking anything else.
M
No comments:
Post a Comment